It's been a long time since I started this blog, when I first made the decision to have weight loss surgery, and it's been a long emotional journey over the last 6 months to come to this point again of pursuing the WLS.

I'll give a quick synopsis of the last few months.... my daughter and I went to the informational seminar to learn about the surgery at the end of February '09, and my spirits were high from the knowledge we got and the hope of finding a way to conquer the obesity battle once and for all that I've suffered with most of my life.

In March, I talked to my primary care doctor about having the surgery and getting her letter of recommendation, and she was extremely negative about it and discouraged me from having the surgery because of all the complications that could happen, and it scared me, so I kind of put the idea on the back burner of my mind and waffled again about the should I or shouldn't I have it, but, it also made me mad because she was always is telling me 'obesity kills' but, then she was so negative about having the surgery so I was conflicted.

Of course I climbed back onto the Weight Watchers wagon for a little while, but, the bad part of WW for me is that I can climb on and off that wagon at will, so I fell off the wagon again, and somehow along the way I managed to gain about 17 pounds in 5 months....I'm not sure how it happened because I didn't really think I was eating more or differently then usual but, I must have been doing something different because the pounds have packed on again, and I'm almost back up to what I was 4 years ago when I lost 43# on Weight Watchers, which just goes to show why WW doesn't work for me long term. I've spent the last 37 years of my life Yo-yo dieting, and with each failed attempt to keep the weight off, it's done a number on my body and self esteem.

The info seminar was an eye opening experience for me to make me realize there are a lot more reasons for obesity then just what we eat..or how much we eat, and why regular diets just don't work long term...most people do fall off the diet wagon sooner of later and end up regaining all they lost plus more for companions. I can certainly testify to that.

Since I had pretty much decided not to have the surgery, I guess I kind of gave up on ever loosing the weight permanently, and I had a lot of conflicting feelings and depression about that too because I really was not ready to give in to defeat again, as well as the fact that I've never been happy being obese, so I have waffled a lot about whether to have the surgery or not over the last few months, to the point that I'm driving my family nuts talking about it and trying to make my indecision.

In July I had an MRI on my back because of all the pain I have in it, and they found a belly button hernia so I had to see a surgeon for that....this is scary. I never knew that obesity causes them too. At some point in time it will have to be repaired..for now it's small enough to be left alone...but, it can be repaired when I have the WLS. It will get worse if I don't loose weight.

That was one of the contributing factors to make me go back to my original decision to have the surgery..because the surgeon put the fear into me about what could happen to that hernia if it's not repaired..and IF I don't loose weight. As far as my back goes...it's still shot..lots of problems and pain, but I don't need another surgery on it, so that's the good news...just have to live with the pain.

On top of discovering that I have the hernia, a couple of other things happened to lead me back to the decision to pursue the WLS.

In August, My husband, Larry's brother, Don is extremely obese, in the 400+ pound range, and he is diabetic. He ended up with an infection that wouldn't heal because of the diabetes. He spent some time in the hospital, and a surgeon who didn't know what he was doing tried cutting out the pouch of infection, and left a gaping hole in him with no plan for how to fix the hole the size of an oreo cookie. We ended up taking him out of the band aid station they call a hospital where the butcher surgeon works at in one of the small towns near here and took him into Green Bay to the emergency room, and when the ER doctor saw the wound/hole, he about flipped out and wanted to know 'what butcher did this to you?' Did I mention the hole/wound is on his scrotum? So, they wanted to put Don in a nursing home, but he has no insurance at the moment so, we ended up bringing him here and having home health come in and take care of the wound, but now we have another person living in this already cramped house and another person to care for, so it's created it's own issues and stresses.

On top of Don's problem, my step-sister Jo, ended up in the hospital with emergency surgery because of a BELLY BUTTON HERNIA that was constricting her bowels...what a shock that was. She's obese too, and found out that her stomach looks like cottage cheese from all the clusters of hernias, and thinning due to stretching from her weight, so she's having a hard time recuperating.

To top it all off, someone else we know had one of his eyes rupture from diabetes retinopathy, so it's been a really crappy month for people we are close too, and issues all caused from obesity and diabetes.

That is what pushed me back to the decision to have the WLS regardless what the primary doctor thinks....after I pushed her, she finally did give me my letter of recommendation which I delivered yesterday to the place where I'll have the surgery.

I had my first appointment with the nutritionist and got a copy of the pre-surgical diet....boy was I MAD...extremely angry and frustrated in fact when I saw the diet....it's the diet they give out for after the surgery when you get back on solids, and I am having a very hard time wrapping my mind around trying to live with all the restrictions and lack of food now before the surgery. In fact, the only things we can eat is vegetables, protein and fruit....nothing else except water, sugar free drinks and caffeine free drinks.

I can see cutting back on your portion sizes, and being on a special diet before surgery to prepare for it..but this after surgery diet seems unrealistic to expect us to live with before the surgery before the stomach is made smaller. But, I'll give it a try and see what happens.

I'm in the process now of preparing for the surgery. The next step is to meet with the psychologist to see if I have the right mind set and would be a good candidate for the surgery. I have to have a sleep study and one more appt. with the nutritionist, then the information will be sent to the insurance company to see if they'll approve the surgery. I'm still not sure if I'll be able to have the surgery because of all my back problems and the inability to take my current pain meds after the surgery, as well as my allergies to most pain meds they give when you have surgery, and because of other health problems, but I'll have to wait until I meet with the surgeon who will do the surgery to see what he says. I was hoping for Nov. 17th..my birthday..but that may be too soon....we'll see.

So, that's where things stand for now. I've had 24 hours to get used to the new way of eating, and gave it a try today, and I've survived it...so we'll see how things go as time goes on. I guess the biggest issue is all the changes ahead of me, and the fear of the unknown.

I'll keep posting more regularly now that I found my blog again..I lost the address to it when I got a new computer, but I'm happy I finally found it again.

Until next time......